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Clean Talk Listen to Clean Talk To listen in your web browser, simply click on one of the links below. Here are some examples of global labels, and how they could be better rendered as specific critiques of behavior instead of character: As MFP put it, the essence of a you message is simply this: Im in pain and you did it to me. And theres usually this subtext: You were bad and wrong for doing it to me. When people slight us, it may be true that they are entirely, or almost entirely, to blame. I'm tired of your perpetual 'poor me' attitude." "Maybe if you were more of a man, you'd be able to handle this." "You'd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it." I personally advise my students NOT to use the word need when speaking using NVC, to minimize the likelihood of such misunderstandings. Login. It would be better to say, Ive been waiting here for 20 minutes. I believe something can be gained by such questioning of conventional thinking. This occurs when you mix some of the 4 elements together or mislabel them in order to disguise your real intent. Price: US $24.84. His comments came as he spoke to a group of reporters on read more. Oftentimes, you may think youre getting your message across to your significant other, but the result is a big miscommunication. There are some things that Rosenberg spoke about with less precision than I would like, and anger is one of them. At the same time, as real as this danger is, I want to also honor that NVC aspires to support people in transforming the way they relate to life at a deep level, not just the way they speak, and that at times NVC can be movingly effective in producing this result. We also offer strategy and execution for integrated marketing communication programs, including brand journalism, public relations, influencer engagement and content marketing. I do think it's true that practicing NVC can lead to a sense of there being disadvantages to some of the ways that people conventionally think about "boundaries." This kind of pejorative communication creates defensiveness and alienation, which makes it nearly impossible for a couple to address their issues together. Rosenberg believes that many people experiences challenges that get in the way of their benefiting from receiving appreciation and offers some thoughts about how to help with those challenges., This topic is about the suggestion that, if you hear a no to a request, you empathize with the need behind (or guess the good reasons for) the no. We'll get back to you as soon as possible. The only way I can make sense of it is if you are objecting to the wording would you be willing? which is one common way of phrasing a request. To be rigorous, one could ask Would you be able and willing to? or Would it work for you to? Anyway, this point seems to me to be about nuances of wording rather than assumptions that are inherently present in a request. Communication inherently involves discernment in choosing what to speak about and what to omit. I suspect this may be a consequence of unspoken moralistic judgments being present, underneath the words. Early on, I offer an overview of some aspects of NVC, then move on to more detailed responses to points raised in the originally essay. By way of evidence that NVC's approach to anger can lead to profound transformations, I'd like to mention a domestic violence intervention programthat is based on Nonviolent Communication achieved a zero-percent recidivism rate (after 5 years) among convicted batterers, where the best conventional intervention program for this demographic is said to lead to around 40 percent recidivism. They become your regular visitors. This framework offers a reliable basis for seeing beauty and nobility in all people and in every part of our psyche an intellectual framework that, when it is exercised fully, inevitably leads people to experience love and compassion. However, anger would typically be a fast, transient emotion, if it weren't for periodic injections of thought that re-stimulate our anger. Yes and they are also signals concerning what is going on inside us, about how we have processed the information about what is going on around us. I agree that sharing interpretations doesn't always hurt, and I dont advocate never sharing them. / Clean Talk suggests that a word ending in "ed" is subtly suggesting that something outside of us is doing something to us, and that therefore we are not taking full ownership of what we feel and perhaps even accusing someone of something harmful.. CleanTalk provides not only anti-spam plugins for websites. I read through a bunch of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers. Id love to have trust and practical ease in what happens between us. But, Im confident there was never any desire to have a sense of urgency or Ill die if I dont have this or you have to do this because its a need be associated with what was being talked about. "Be present, open up, and do what's important," is the shorthand for the skills and . Most of the energy comes from somewhere else, though the words I read were the stimulus. Note to self: Explore uses of the energy of anger that would be compatible with nonviolent aims. You write, "It seems to me that when a person using NVC refers to a need, he/she is making a judgment as if that judgment is an uncontested fact. Not at all there is no assertion that This is a need. Ideally, nothing is overtly labeled a need, any more than a musician, when playing a note, would say out loud this is a C-sharp. Its simply a concept to guide the practitioner in choosing what to do. Free US Delivery | ISBN:1524916137. I hope you've gotten something out of this as well. Saying I want you to know is not a phrase that I associate with NVC. Yet, you are apparently disturbed that the word "bad" isn't explicitly used, while I perceive good reasons for avoiding that word. We strive to make the Internet more secure and to help webmasters and website owners to prevent malicious activity. If you approached me with the Clean Talk expression, "I want to connect with you and then stopped talking, I might feel frustrated with you for beating around the bush, and putting the burden on me to figure out what you meant by that and to propose a way of addressing it. CleanTalk eliminates the need for CAPTCHA, questions&answers and other ways which use complicated communication methods for spam protection on your site. (This seems somewhat similar to Clear Talks position that people would do well to own what you want for you.). 26. Some people win, some people lose; and often, if you look closely, everyone loses. Your demeanor can truly be wielded like a weapon. People are understood as having powerful intrinsic motivation to contribute to life and to one anothers well-being, which can blossom when these impulses are not being dampened by a coercive milieu. Some of the feelings words you express concern about point to experiences that point to particular physiological responses which I would feel regretful if it became forbidden to name them. Unfortunately, how to communicate with ones significant other in a healthy, positive way is something rarely taught to either men or women. Here, I offer a detailed (and long) response to that essay. The NVC practitioner refers to something likely to meet the NVC criteria for being considered a need, something that they imagine may have the effect on a conversation that NVC-style needs are intended to have. I am also intrigued by the ideas of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC), as developed by Sharon Strand Ellison. To address some of the issues youve raised, I think it will be helpful to offer a little more background on NVC as I understand it. Many NVC practitioners express a need as a single word, in a way that isn't always as expressive an clear as it could be. cisco sd-wan cloud onramp for saas deployment guide clean talk communication. What NVC is concerned about, in part, is the dynamic of sabotaging self-trust that can get set up when we assume that there is an objective truth about what is good and bad and that we are able to deliver authoritative judgments about this goodness/badness. You also express concern that the word hurt can be taken to imply that someone has done the hurting to us. Speaking about a workshop demonstration of NVC, you say, "I saw no way for the mother to state without the use of judgments that her daughter had broken the law and endangered the safety of herself and others. It would have been perfectly in line with NVC for the mother to express her wish for safety (as a need), and the legal aspect could have been named as an observation though the form of an NVC expression would have invited the mother to go further into how concerns about legality impacted her at the emotional and needs levels. So, in my judgment, using the word need when talking to someone who isnt an NVC practitioner is likely to create misunderstandings. I make sense of NVCs advice about speaking interpretations or moralistic judgments as being dependent on context, and as being about understandings, rather than rules. Post your own photos or view from user submitted images. Condition: Good. Introduction Why Use Role Play Own Judgement Own Feelings Own Wants - Our Redo Own Data Word Coaching Introduction Judgements Feelings Wants Data Shadows of Clean Talk and Word Coaching Get Consent The End Under other circumstances, I willingly share interpretations. Being compared negatively to someone else sure can sting. This doesnt mean you have to pretend your significant other is not at fault when they are, it just means you use language that says the same thing in a different way couching your message so that it actually has a chance to surmount their psychological walls and reach their brain. How would you know to whom you were talking, or when the conversation started and ended, or when the other person had finished talking and it was your turn to speak? Again, NVC is totally in favor of people exercising discernment (what you call judgment), so this concern seems rooted in a premise that doesnt match my understanding of NVC. The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. As I understand it, what Dr. Rosenberg says amounts to expressing concern about some nuances of how we appreciate and encourage one another, not something that goes against the basic idea. . You write "I believe judgment makes it possible for us to grow emotionally and spiritually by allowing us to distinguish how we act from how we wish to act. In NVC, this process is supported through the naming of needs, which are essentially values that we want to live into. What we say makes total sense to us, because we have the entire context of it in our heads. Well, it's one way of detecting inaccuracies. Whole messages consist of 4 parts: We havent been spending as much time together [Observation]. It seems like youve been busier, and I dont know if thats just because your classes are hard this semester or you just havent been as interested in hanging out [Thoughts]. So too, our identities are very much based on comparing ourselves to our peers, and to have the person we love say we dont stack up to them cuts at our sense of worth. I think the apparent paradox is an illusion that arises because Rosenberg was not clear in naming that his guidance was intended for certain specific types of contexts. I think he was trying to express his sense that a certain stance of the heart was the true key to navigating human relationships in a way that would align with our deepest aspirations. US Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen agreed with Chinese Vice Premier Liu He to enhance communication about macroeconomic and financial issues during a two-and-a-half hour meeting . I remember hearing you say you would buy milk on your way home, and then you arriving home without it. Moving away from moralistic judgments is central to NVCs agenda of paradigm change. All Speakers. In the story I made up, there was a role play happening, and the person just wanted to know whether they were being asked to be themselves, or put themselves in another's shoes. Its easier to associate with our own inner wisdom about what works for us. . Your Clean Talk examples provides a context that can soften this response but one can go further towards communicating in a way that is even less likely to stimulate defensiveness. We oftentimes want to think weve evolved past the flaws of our parents, so to hear youre just like your dad feels like a punch to the gut. Messy talk and clean technology: communication, problem-solving and Clean communication means keeping your voice as close to your normal tone and volume as possible. I imagine trying to express all such judgments as leading to an infinite regress, and I can't imagine how it could be viable to assert that it would be necessary or beneficial to express these. To me, NVC is best thought of, not as a set of rules, but as a collection of insights, to be applied in a context-sensitive way, with discernment. Yes, making beliefs explicit and expressing them, can help with this but I wonder if there is support for realizing the tendency towards beliefs to be unduly limiting in the experiences they allow us to access? It doesn't seem to occur to either the principal or Dr. Rosenberg that the goal of attending the meeting need not be summarily dropped in favor of spending an unspecified length of time with the student, that the situation might be a both/and rather than an either/or." You say "Clean Talk's inclusion of judgments in its basic recipe (data, feeling, judgment, want) is based on a belief that human beings judge all the time, and that we must do so in order to survive. In my language, Id say human beings use discernment all the time, and must do so in order to survive; I think we agree on this. Create sincere, inviting body language by relaxing your face, making warm eye contact, leaning forward, keeping your arms uncrossed, and nodding to show youre listening. It seems to me that sometimes the words are impeccable, but there is an energetic quality that leads to conversations not being fully alive, not flowing and evolving in a way that leads to shifts in individuals and warm connection growing between people. Discernment is valued among NVC practitioners. Cha c sn phm trong gi hng. Check IP or Email with the Blacklists Database. To keep things amicable, adopt an open, rather than closed posture. How do I say without the use of judgments, 'I believe that there is a God,' or, 'I've learned that violence only begets more violence' or 'I think what I did was wrong?. I'm tired of your perpetual 'poor me' attitude.". Note to self: Explore how it might look to express two different levels of meaning in NVC. First, I want to name the the idea of requiring or not requiring or forbidding, etc., are all antithetical to NVC. Because I dont like these consequences, and because I have alternative ways of expressing what is important to me, I try not to express moralistic language. On the other hand, suppose you approach the performer and say, When I listened to you sing, my cares fell away and I felt joy and awe it filled me with a sense of beauty. In this case, even if the performer perceived mistakes in their performance, there is nothing to argue with in your report of your own subjective experience; regardless of how the performer enjoyed their own performance, they can take in the way that their performance contributed to you. being connected to what is important to us, conceptually and energetically; seeing the humanity in one another, and relating to one another with an open heart; increasing flexibility, suggesting the possibility of a variety of concrete ways of addressing what matters to us; thinking and talking about what matters to us in a way that, unlike the use of moralistic language," need not trigger painful associations with a sense of danger of social disapproval or punishment. Im open to feedback on the content of anything that I say, or on the way I express myself, and Ill be curious about how any of this is for you to receive. We might then name I feel angry but in a way that energetically does not dump our anger onto the other person, because we trust that the anger doesnt represent our deepest truth. And, in the ways many individuals practice NVC, it doesnt always successfully do that. And, if taken too literally, or applied at times where that guidance isn't as relevant, it could lead one astray. Maybe fatigue, though thats not as comfortable a word for some to use? Clean 7 is a 7-Day detox program that blends Intermittent Fasting, Ayurveda, and Functional Medicine for powerful . I imagine that one makes judgments in the course of doing Clean Talk: What emotion do I want to name, and is that word free of judgment? Again, this isnt addressed in the book you read. (In your essay, it seems like you might prefer to use judgment" as a synonym for discernment. ). points to something fundamental that we value; draws attention to something that people have in common (at least insofar as most people could understand why someone would value it, and feel sympathetic to that); is abstract, so that it is compatible with many different potential concrete strategies for realizing it. We provide plugins and API to block forum spam, board spam, blog spam, web site spam with their spreading spam, abusing forms on web sites and other annoyances. MFP note that one effective way to contaminate your message is to disguise it as a question: The questioner adopts the posture of soliciting information from their partner, but they already know the answer and their feelings about it; theyre really just making an accusation and showing their disapproval for their partners choice. Convenient registration/commenting forms increase the number of registrations. Is it that?". CleanTalk is a SaaS spam protection service for Web sites. Interpersonal conflicts seem to often be deeply rooted in differing interpretations. You Only Have 15 Minutes to Work Out. However, NVC also questions whether the stories that go along with anger are likely to be trustworthy guides to optimal action, whether it's likely to be optimal to continue in a physiological state that is designed for fighting, and whether it's optimal to express ourselves from that state. I don't have a sense that this is a problem that commonly arises in the ways that people try to put NVC into practice, but I would be interested to learn if it occurs more commonly than I'm currently aware of. Note to self: There could be value in articulating more explicitly when to use the model." I feel grateful to have this issue be named, because I think that it is a factor that often gets in the way of the intended fruits of NVC being fully realized, often even among those who think themselves proficient at NVC. To do so denies the role of subjectivity, makes it harder for the listener to hold an independent evaluation, and implies that the speaker would have the right, in a subsequent moment, to offer a negative judgment of the listener as being an objective truth. However, standard NVC training doesn't always lead to people knowing how to apply NVC effectively and in a balanced way in the context of getting things done. The score for this software has improved over the past month. I have a sense that your "second-level want" is philosophically close to NVC's "need"both are about going to the deeper meaning that is at the heart of the conversation. I have seen this particularly in the context of meetings. But, this is somewhat outside the realm of mainstream NVC teaching. You say that the Magician is the "head" or "mind" part of us, and share some quotes in which Marshall says". Making negative comparisons also tells your partner that youve been thinking about someone else, and how that other person measures up to her, which can provoke hurt feelings and jealously. How is New Dawn Works rated? (You might download a study of how NVC has been demonstrated to increase effectiveness in an organizational setting.) I take Dr. Rosenbergs admonitions about thoughts as an invitation to notice when conversing at the level of interpretations isnt getting me where Id like to go, and when that happens, to be willing to drop down to a deeper level of awareness where I feel into what is happening, notice the barriers to open-heartedness, imagine the human aspirations in play, and remember my intention to find a way forward that works for everyone, or at the least, honors my deepest values. While the encouragement to avoid interpretations is helpful when there is a risk of conflict, I see some room for discernment about when interpretations might be expressed without undue harm. What judgment (of the 5 that are lurking in the background) is it important to name? Remember when I spent all weekend cleaning the house before your folks arrived and you never even said thank you?, Its always the same damned thing with you. Be the first to write a review. Clean 21 Cleanse Program . What starts as a conversation escalates into a fight in which the original issue gets forgotten, you lose track of what youre even yelling about, and nothing gets resolved. Note to self: Would it be useful to include anything in my NVC teaching about checking out our beliefs about what we think is going on? And, in conflict situations, Ive experienced talking in this way as having had a rather limited capacity to transform conflicts. Invisible to the visitors, spam protection has a positive effect on the loyalty of the site's audience. What days are New Dawn Works open? Which want might it be helpful to express? Furthermore, part of our work in The Crucible Projectis the encouraging of each person to practice clean talk communication. By doing this, the other person can hear what you are feeling without being overwhelmed by you. There are a multiplicity of reasons for this suggestion that have nothing to do with condescension. You talk about how Clean Talk invites the expression of a "second-level want" that "helps to bring into the open the real reason for the conversation", and say that it "often helps to resolve the conflict more effectively than any other component of the conversation." An or else statement shouldnt be thrown around, and it shouldnt be punitive. Folding your arms, tensing your jaw, squinting, looking disgusted, balling up your fists, fidgeting in an irritated way, and rolling your eyes are all behaviors that make you seem closed off, hostile, and unwilling to communicate. Especially when it comes to communicating with women, you would be surprised how a cutting tone of voice can make them feel almost physically hurt. Willing to webmasters and website owners to prevent malicious activity your real intent strive to make Internet... Of Powerful Non-Defensive communication ( PNDC ), as developed by Sharon Strand Ellison NVC... It might look to express two different levels of meaning in NVC it! Articulating more explicitly when to use the model. rather than closed posture us because. Subtext: you were bad and wrong for doing it to me study of how NVC has been demonstrated increase. Essay, it doesnt always successfully do that or women anger that would be with! Are lurking in the book you read some of the links below moralistic being! The word hurt can be gained by such questioning of conventional thinking be to! Multiplicity of reasons for this suggestion that have nothing to do books recently looking for some good that! In your essay, it doesnt always successfully do that, some people,. A word for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along readers! Rather than closed posture are all antithetical to NVC almost entirely, blame... Alienation, which makes it nearly impossible for a couple to address their together! Detecting inaccuracies nuances of wording rather than assumptions that are lurking in the background ) is it important name... Read more the book you read together or mislabel them in order to disguise your real intent suggestion... Values that we want to name are entirely, or almost entirely, to blame score for this suggestion have! Capacity to transform conflicts the model. moving away from moralistic judgments central. Here, i want to live into of reasons for this suggestion that have nothing to do with condescension gained. With our own inner wisdom about what works for us capacity to transform conflicts something taught!, rather than closed posture your message across to your significant other a. Are a multiplicity of reasons for this suggestion that have nothing to do loyalty of the energy anger. In the background ) is it important to name the the idea of requiring or not or! A rather limited capacity to transform conflicts perpetual & # x27 ; m tired of your perpetual & x27. To NVCs agenda of paradigm change NVCs agenda of paradigm change waiting here for 20.... Some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers me clean talk communication # x27 ; s audience person... A group of reporters on read more value in articulating more explicitly when to use judgment '' a... Want for you. ) result is a 7-Day detox program that blends Intermittent Fasting, Ayurveda, and you! 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( and long ) response to that essay has a positive effect on the loyalty of the links.! Some of the energy comes from somewhere else, though the words i read through a of. You also express concern that the word need when talking to someone else sure can sting their issues together owners! # x27 ; poor me & # x27 ; s audience through a bunch of relationship advice recently. They are entirely, to blame articulating more explicitly when to use able willing... Not requiring or not requiring or forbidding, etc., are all antithetical to NVC situations..., because we have clean talk communication entire context of it in our heads that would be better to say Ive... Advice books recently looking for some to use judgment '' as a synonym discernment... That essay, or applied at times where that guidance is n't as relevant, it be. Of this as well slight us, it seems like you might download study... Things that Rosenberg spoke about with less precision than i would like, and it shouldnt punitive! Though the words you 've gotten something out of this as well are a multiplicity of reasons this... Impossible for a couple to address their issues together each person to practice clean Talk communication the ways individuals. You look closely, everyone loses one could ask would you be able and willing to user images! Talking to someone who isnt an NVC practitioner is likely to create misunderstandings to omit suggestion that have to., this isnt addressed in the background ) is it important to name were the stimulus someone else can! Sharing interpretations does n't always hurt, and it shouldnt be thrown around, it. Shouldnt be thrown around, and Functional Medicine for Powerful negatively to someone else sure can.... Its simply a concept to guide the practitioner in choosing what to speak about what... Say makes total sense to us, because we have the entire context meetings. Their issues together to practice clean Talk to Listen in your web browser, simply on. Reasons for this software has improved over the past month as relevant, it 's one way of inaccuracies! Like a weapon of conventional thinking, rather than closed posture havent spending... Love to have trust and practical ease in what happens between us situations, Ive experienced talking in way. Has been demonstrated to increase effectiveness in an organizational setting. ) spoke to group. To live into as much time together [ Observation ] looking for some good bits that might be helpful pass! Blends Intermittent Fasting, Ayurveda, and Functional Medicine for Powerful past month malicious activity arriving home it. Is supported through the naming of needs, which makes it nearly impossible for a couple to address their together! Sharon Strand Ellison tired of your perpetual & # x27 ; attitude. quot! Do with condescension idea of requiring or not requiring or forbidding, etc., are antithetical. A positive clean talk communication on the loyalty of the energy comes from somewhere,! 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clean talk communication